7 reasons when divorcing is the better option

I was recently standing in a queue in a shop overhearing a woman who was berating her husband for myriad sins.  One of his sins was that he was encouraging her to get fit by hiring her a personal trainer, apparently telling her she’s flabby and needs to work out.  Furthermore, she went into great detail describing her predicament at such a volume that the entire queue was privy to her conversation.  The poor woman at the till clearly hoped she would be freed from the tirade of regurgitated domestic chaos that was being thrown in her direction.

To my horror, I realised I actually knew this woman.  I’d listened to literally hours of similar things from her approximately 8 years ago.  She appears to enjoy bemoaning her husband in such a manner.  And she is still running the same script, very loudly and very publicly.  This family is not short of money, not by a long shot, so it can’t be a fear of how she’ll manage financially.  Her reasons for staying in the marriage are of course her own, but it made me wonder when do we know it’s time to walk away?

When divorcing is the only option

Generally, few of us walk down the aisle expecting to end up in the solicitor’s office years later.  Importantly, many times, the marriage is worth fighting for.  Essentially, there are bumps in the road that can be weathered and may lead to a deeper mutual understanding of each other, reigniting the lost spark, resulting in a fulfilling rest of life together.  However, sometimes the moment arrives when you decide that the only feasible way forward is divorcing.

Divorce is a time of jumbled up, chaotic emotions.  There are so many different aspects to consider when divorcing:  the children, the finances, where you’re going to live, the legal side.  However, divorce can be good.  Most notably, it is freeing and allows each party to live the life they choose in the best way possible.

When is the time ripe for divorce?

There will always be compromises to make when divorcing, as there are in life in general.  Often, the fear of the unknown future is what keeps couples stuck together in unhappy marriages.  Yet with some support in the right areas, the rewards far outweigh any short-term unease.

So, when do you know it’s time to consider divorcing?

1. Laughter

How long ago did you belly laugh with each other?  When you smile at him/her, is it a smile that oozes love or are you just going through the motions to avoid another argument?

2. Values

Are your values respected within the relationship?  Are you feeling suffocated?  Can you remember who you are beneath the role of husband or wife?  Importantly, who is the real you?

3. Arguments

Do you resolve your arguments amicably, or do you or your partner hold on to them to regurgitate the same old stuff each time something goes wrong?  Does your partner look for arguments with you?

4. Blame

Is the blame always pointed in your direction?  If so, it indicates that your partner isn’t taking responsibility for his/her own actions and words.  In essence, it’s never just one individual’s fault.

5. Emotional clutter

Is your mind in a constant state of emotional chaos?  A befuddled mind can be due to many reasons, however, an unhappy marriage can be so draining that you just don’t have the mental energy to gain clarity over your situation any longer.  Don’t let a bad marriage cost you your mental health.

6. Socialising

Do you still see your own friends?   Notably, healthy marriages tend to have a good balance of time spent with mutual friends as well as time spent with your own special friends.  Do you no longer have the energy to socialise with other people?  Most importantly, have you been cut off from your own friends and family members due to a jealous or controlling partner?

7. Extra-marital affairs

Are you or your partner looking for love elsewhere?  If so, what are the reasons underlying this?  It is worth mentioning that there are few happily married people who chase extra-marital affairs.  Just because one of you starts an affair, doesn’t necessarily point the finger of blame in that direction.  However, I hasten to add I don’t condone extra-marital affairs, yet they are a sign that some serious, healthy communication needs to take place between the two of you.

Divorcing can be incredibly freeing

Often when people decide finally to split, they feel an enormous sense of relief.   Furthermore, making that decision clears the path for constructive planning.  Some couples are respectful enough of each other to mutually agree to the various elements of a divorce without the need for legal intervention.  Sadly, these couples are few and far between and by the time the divorce is sought, it is often too late. Essentially, defences have been built up, boundaries may have been breached and it can end up an acrimonious, legal battle-ground.

The case for relationship counselling

Divorcing taught me some valuable lessons.  Firstly, that I wish we’d had relationship counselling before we even stepped foot in the church.  While it’s impossible to plan for every eventuality, I think so many couples benefit from knowing each other’s expectations of the partnership before making the long-term commitment.

The case for personal counselling

Secondly, I also think when we know what makes us tick as an individual, we prepare ourselves better for marriage.

• Values: what are our values?
• Drivers: what are our drivers?
• Expectations: what are our expectations of ourselves and our partner?
• Love: what does love mean to us?
• Expressing love: how do we show love? How do we want love to be shown to us?
• Personal love: how do we love ourselves?
• Respect: how do we respect ourselves?
• Boundaries: how do we define and maintain respectful boundaries?
• Communication: how do we and could we communicate during difficult times?
• Self-understanding: how can we understand the very essence of who we are?

When life is rosy, none of this really matters. We’re in the flush of love and we just think we’re one of those “lucky couples”.

Respect each other as individuals

I trained as a therapist after I left my husband and I so wish I’d known some of the stuff I know now back then.  Would I have made the same mistakes?  I’m not sure, hopefully not.  Essentially, I think I would have been able to navigate the turbulent times more effectively.  Ultimately, we are very different people and have different values that drive us.  However, we also share two beautiful children and will hopefully also be grandparents one day.  And while our marriage may not have lasted, I am happy to look to our combined futures with optimism and excitement.

Choose optimism

The pain of divorcing has gone.  In essence, there’s no value in picking at the scab.  We made our decisions and went our separate ways.  Furthermore, I am immensely happy in my own skin, living my life as I do and I truly hope that he is too.  While we may not be “in love”, I respect him as the individual he is and look forward to enabling a healthy environment for our friendship as parents to continue to grow.  During the good times we had a lot of fun together.  What’s more, the beauty of no longer being married to each other frees up our energy to see each other positively as the burden of an unhappy marriage no longer weighs us down.

Divorcing invigorates life

Ultimately, if you are feeling unhappy in your marriage, despite seeking relationship counselling, and possibly individual counselling, divorce might be inevitable.  Most importantly, you owe it to yourself to live your best life.  In essence, If your happiness and fulfilment are not part of your marriage, it’s probably time to agree to walk your separate ways.  Although divorce may not be easy, isn’t a short-term difficulty worth it for long-term happiness?